Lucid Handlebar Repair

Yet another cycle run, must be telling me something.
This time a real alpha male was determined to take several of us out on the bikes.
We were each handed a machine that appeared around 100 years old.
Our complaints were ignored and he stormed off on a penny farthing out the road towards Crieff. I myself was armed with a rickety 3 wheeler and went to nose into a line of traffic, determined to catch up with our annoying leader.
Hold on I thought, traffic a bit odd.
In fact the cars and lorries were all pedal driven.
Excellent I thought, must be the end of the world's oil.
This oddity made me realise it must be a dream.
I therefore magically cured an annoying twist in my handlebars and set off at speed, overtaking pedal cars with gusto.
We all congregated at a roadside cafe and demanded lunch from the now not so alpha leader.

ps Was woken up from this dream by a violent knocking at the door. I went out to check, nobody around.
Must have been an earthquake.

Recipe Corner

Another visit from the Dream Controller.
I had wanted more and different lucid dreaming (see Dream Junkie).
The Controller checked my files, found my last two instances of lucid dreaming, put them on a baking tray and heated them for 30 minutes at 220 degrees C.
I was then handed the resulting blackened mess, served with an excellent salad.
I swung between total appreciation and extreme resentment.
Need to frame my requests more accurately perhaps.

Going Too Far

Thought I would play a practical joke on daughter P in Australia.
I decided to call her on my mobile phone from the UK but allegedly from a plane in mid Atlantic.
I knew she would not be keen on such an unannounced visit.
Accordingly I set my little plan in motion.To authenticate it I decided to drive through to the airport to get flight times, numbers etc.
I must have got carried away and bought a ticket as I found myself over mid Atlantic with no luggage.
Served me right, and spoiled the joke.

Did I Help You?

Last night I was aware of a sort of 'Dream Controller' or something, probably female.
She told me that I was to have no dreams about myself but that I was only to help others in their dreaming.
Accordingly she issued me with a sheet of red triangular flags with which to work through, each one representing a dreaming person. Although, when stuck on to the dream after use, they seemed to turn into red crosses.
I worked through the whole sheet, not unlike a sheet of stamps, and woke up remembering nothing more.
Other peoples dreams seem to be quite private.
Aaah well.

The Damp Machine

Went to visit a group of hippies camped at the edge of a forest.
They were showing me all their 'green' bits of equipment.
One was a artifact that kept things continually damp.
Not a great problem I thought as we squelched into the forest in a typical West Yorkshire downpour.
It turned out to be an upside down, pyramidal shaped, piece of foam around 6 feet in diameter. This was buried with its base flush with the forest floor.
Items requiring to be kept damp were secreted around its sides etc.
It was also camouflaged.
I had only been shown this as something important belonging to son C's mother was buried there.
It turned out to be a £20 note which C claimed as his own.
The note was falling to pieces and of doubtful value.
So, we dried it out and pasted it into a scrap book of other now useless items which had seemed important at the time.
A little record of our life.

Nocturnal Visit

Fell asleep at 11pm last night.
Thought I woke up to hear voices in my back garden.
I looked out to see two women at my back door, they looked furious.
With trepidation I opened the door and they pushed their way inside.
I followed them through to the living room where they stared at me for what seemed like ages.
A third person moved around in the background.
I asked what they wanted but got no answer.
The atmosphere was really scary.
I turned away and immediately woke up.
The time was 1105pm.

Boats

I had a wee job to do.
It was to go around my local area finding boats with a certain 'signature'.
The signature was quite a subtle thing. It was obtained when a boat, large or small, looked right, had been used well and was well put together.
Once I found them, I could check that my intuition was right using a natty little electronic gizmo. How it worked I have no idea. Maybe it didn't.
I found two candidates and took sketches and photos of them back to the 'control room'.
I was then to make a drawing or painting of them and submit my work for 'approval'.
A real job at last.

The Fall

I was at a flat in Edinburgh.
Fancied a cup of Earl Grey.
However had trouble finding any. But, saw some on a high shelf which required a fair bit of climbing to reach.
Other items were in the tea box including chocolate, vanilla pods and the like.
Made a bit of a mess getting hold of the tea bags.
I needed more than one as two women asked for some, prior to taking me to a party elsewhere in the city.
So, I needed to impress as I descended with the tea bags, clutched in my sweaty hand.
One more tricky move required and then I found myself . . . slipping . . . slipping . . .
I had been doing so well.

Race to the North

Another cycle race.
This time it was from Halifax in Yorkshire up to Scotland.
I therefore stripped my bike of all extras including pannier bags, mudguards etc.
Then I looked at my white legs in the rather skimpy cycling shorts that I was wearing.
Need track suit bottoms, I thought.
However the race was about to start.
Still, need the track suit bottoms.
So, cycled 10 miles south to a track suit bottom shop.
Have to make up the time later.
As good a decision as I usually make.

Atrocity

I was living at a house at the bottom of a hill that looked like Cockburn Street in Edinburgh.
I looked up to the top of the street and saw four young men had been executed by hanging from lamp posts. I was appalled as I had just called at that house on a door to door collection and I had met them along with their Italian mother.
All made worse in that it was the police or army that had commited the atrocity.
It's no safe these days.

Entry Requirements

Last night I joined the Royal Navy.
Excellent I thought, making something of my life at last.
Entry requirement was to fit through a tunnel, hexagenol in cross section.
As I was not of that shape I thought I might have difficulty.
It was a scary looking procedure and the fear was one of getting permanently stuck if it all went wrong.
I went for it however and duly found that as I pressed through, the navy blue coloured sides seem to accomodate my shape.
That was a relief and I accordingly found myself in the Royal Navy.
Rule Brittania.

Candles in the Evening

I walked into my house via the back door in the early evening.
I was struck by the fact that candles were burning.
In the back porch, kitchen, living room, front hall, bathroom and in the bedrooms.
They were all nightlights in different coloured holders.
Seemed like hundreds of them.
It was really beautiful.
I wondered who had lit them. I'm pretty sure it was my son, C, as he was the only other person in the house, although nowhere to be seen.
Then an irrational fear took over from the wonder of it all.
I didn't want them to go out.
But, of course, they must go out at some point, probably all at round about the same time.
Things and people, dogs etc don't last forever.
Even me.

Wishful Thinking

I went into my old council house around teatime.

I was pleasantly surprised by the presence of my mum and dad, who I thought to be dead.

Tea was ready and waiting.

Another surprise was my dog Max, who I thought currently to be lying on his rug at death's door.

He came towards me wagging his tail, having eaten the bacon I had cooked for him earlier and drunk some of his water.

Alas I woke up, mum and dad still dead and Max still lying on his rug. Bacon and water untouched.

Max was to die later that day on his final visit to the vet.

Eighteen years old and now at the bottom of my garden. Woof.

Doughnut Damming

I was on the banks of a swift flowing and crystal clear stream. It was quite deep and had a rounded gravelly bed.
I knew I had to dam the stream, although can't remember why.
After kneeling down to assess the problem I went off and returned with a giant doughnut(donut?).
I jammed the doughnut vertically on the rounded stream bed.
It worked a treat until the water level rose up to the doughnut hole and, of course, poured through.
Some things it seems, doughnuts cannot do.

A School Project

Back in the Classroom.
It seemed to be a week before the summer holidays.
We were building small model boats that carried a cargo of salmon between Canada and the UK.
However the boats were only metaphors for an essay we were meant to be doing during the final week.
On the Wednesday I jumped off a school balcony and injured my ankle.
I was therefore off school the Thursday and Friday so I could not complete my model boat/essay.
On the Thursday an old friend called and gave me a wee trip out in her Mk2 red Ford Escort.
She drove me 5 miles along a narrow country road, past my school, and then let me off to hitch back.
All perfectly normal it seemed and I thanked her.
It was a long walk back on my sore ankle and I thought of calling in at the school to finish my project.
But I went home to be met by the school master and some fellow pupils.
They had all finished their boat/essays and buried them under a round steel and glass door in the middle of the classroom. They had used trout instead of salmon for the cargo. I thought I might use dog food.
I said I would hurry and finish mine if they would not mind digging up theirs so mine could join them.
They refused.
Too late again I thought, missed the boat.
I gave the master a slap on the back as they left by way of thanks for calling along to make sure I knew that I had failed.

Double Murder

I was in a gents outfitters getting measured up for a new suit.
The material was a violently bright beige check, although the pattern was quite small.
Harris Tweed, of course.
The jacket seemed to be around XXXL but fitted nicely.
I turned around and two men, one in a red suit were sniggering at me.
I therefore found a steel bar and murdered them both.
Very violent and gory.
Then I hit the High Street with my Harris Tweed suit, complete now with red spots.