Avoiding The Funeral

I was driving along to a funeral dry run, ie without the body. I attended the church service and all went well.
The next day I drove towards the real funeral, passing hundreds of parked cars and people heading for the church. I couldn't face attending so I slowly edged past the crowds, hoping I would not be noticed.
Just past the church I entered a white paper tunnel that spiralled downwards for around a mile.
I drove slowly down and near the end, walked the rest into an underground town.
It was a spooky and scary place, old shops and house with unknown doors and tunnels leading off the underground street. All totally deserted.
I knew finding my way back would be problematic.
If I did find my way back I surmised I would find myself back at the funeral.
No escape.

Missing Water

I dreamt that son C and a friend were re sizing the terrapin tank near the back door. They were using their hands to squash and distort the tank. Impossible in reality as it is made of glass. I remonstrated with them and they desisted.
When I awoke I went through to feed the terrapins.
I blinked in disbelief as I saw that almost half the water was missing from the tank, around 10 gallons. The tank was fine the night before.
No sign of the missing water, the floor was dry.
Must not jump to conclusions.

Various Ghosts

1/ Accompanied by a tall female ghost I entered a block of flats and went up to the 3rd floor and entered some rooms.
The rooms were bare of furniture.
The ghost told me that a woman was buried behind the wall. I pulled the wall away and right enough, the decomposed body of a small thin woman was revealed.
Tricky situation I thought.
A ghost of this dead woman then emerged and started to violently struggle with my ghostly companion. Things were getting out of hand.
They didn't improve when the dead woman came to life and joined in the fraca with a view to aiding her ghost.
This was too much for me and I changed channels as it were into another dream.

2/ I was working in an old house with a hollow interior, familiar.
My Dad who was working outside asked me to help him board up a small cellar window for the night.
He would hold a series of boards over the opening with a long bolt and I would go inside and attach a nut and piece of wood to the bolt, that would do the trick.
I crawled into the cellar and along a narrow tunnel to the window opening. After the job was done I peered into a little alcove by the window and found an old diary, camera and spool of film.
We then gathered our tools and went outside to put them in the car.
Blast! Someone had pinched my kayak from the roof of the Volvo.
Peering more carefully I noticed that a ghostly blue shape of the kayak was visible on the pavement.
Not completely gone perhaps.

Hangman's Crack

I looked over a wall and saw a old castle.
Running up one side of the wall was a long shallow groove. Half way up the groove ran a horizontal crack.
The groove continued to the castle battlements, about 100 feet high above the ground.
The groove was a sports rock climb, which ended at the horizontal crack.
On the wall beside me was a small green steel plaque giving details of the climb.
It was called 'Hangman's Crack' and graded Extremely Severe, not a UK sports climb grade.
The plate had been placed there by the 'Climbing Pixie' and there was a cartoon drawing showing this intrepid individual.
Apparently in elder days, people were hanged from the battlements down the line of the groove.
An atmospheric line.

Dog with no name.

A new puppy, 7 weeks old, house training in progress, that's the reality.
He has been sleeping in the kitchen.
The dream was that several people were taking care of him around 8 am. Cleaning up any mess, letting him out, feeding him, morning papers etc.
I thus relaxed into a bit more sleep, fully justified.
Waking up, reality kicks in, as it does for everybody.
I crept though to the kitchen, fearing a terrible mess before tea and toast would be permissable.
No worries, pup still fast asleep, any mess done, he must have cleaned up himself, perfection.
Wagging tail, pleased to see me.
Good doggie.

Self Destruct

I was up to my waist in sea water and wearing a stainless steel helmet.
In front of me was a mortar launcher.
I plopped a mortar bomb down the vertical barrel and watched as it launched upwards for several hundred feet and come straight down onto my head.
I repeated this procedure a number of times and got increasingly impressed by the qualities of stainless steel.

Triple Redundancy Tower System.

I was living in a three tower system which was absolutely massive.

Standing between them they often could not be 'seen' due to their unnatural size. They went up to the edge of space.

Lifts went up inside them but took all day to get to the top. People strapped themselves in and it was worth getting to know your fellow lift travellers to pass the time.

The towers had everything that was needed to survive. Each was similar to the other. I remember running through a church at one point so I could find a lift going up to the heavens.

The towers were constantly getting built higher.

A job for life.

Thief

I asked my mother if I could steal her purse.
She seemed surprised but agreed.
I asked if she could some money in it first, no point in stealing an empty purse.
So, in went a £10 note.
She then lay the purse on a chair.
I swiftly picked it up and ran off.
Success!

Sometimes a Pencil is only a Rocket

In this dream I was alternating between being a woman and a man and lived in a seaside town.

As the dream progressed I knew I had done it all before.

I designed rockets.

I built and launched a white rocket with a red nose cone and launched it into space. It divided into six smaller rockets, each of which returned to my garden although one went through a neighbours window. These rockets all brought back information from space on how to build another, smaller rocket with unusual properties.

I built this small rocket and prepared to launch it from the glass pleasure dome on the front.

But the residents of the town heard about the launch and surged onto the front to stop the take- off. At this point green sea creatures emerged from the surf and duck taped everybody except me. Nobody else could move or speak. I had disguised the rocket as a pencil and held a bunch of them to hide the rocket.

The rocket took off from my hand on schedule, soared up through a sky light in the pleasure dome and out into space.

It then returned and entered the body of a person in a glass case near to where I stood. The person then reanimated, got out of the case, walked over towards me and merged.

The whole episode then started all over again.

The cycle of life and death continued.

Nice Steam Engine

A familiar dream.

I go into an underground toy shop with my son and find both my parents sat on a park bench. There are various shops around all selling toys down the ages.

There is one open area where a toy steam engine is runnng around a track in a large room. Sort of has a Christmas atmosphere.

I point the engine out to my son and the engine leaves the track and comes over to us like a pet dog. We stroke the engine and it seems pleased and rolls back onto the track to continue its circumnavigation of the room.

I know that some reality law has been broken but decide that its not too weird and the world carries on.

Submarines

I was a crew member on a submarine, probably British. We were being chased by a Russian submarine. Our boat surfaced and we all got out onto the deck. It was a grand sunny day.The Russian submarine then surfaced about 100 yards away. It was really sinister looking, very dark and covered with green slime and seaweed.

Their crew came out on deck as well and the boat slowly cruised alongside and then in front of us.

I waved to one of the Russians, he gave a tentative wave back.

They all seemed so young and I couldn't believe that they may try and kill us all.

It all seemed so pointless.

Could that wave have made a difference?

Surfacing from sleep, I never found out.

Lunch Time Adventure

A recurring dream I have had since childhood.
Its lunchtime and we all file into the dining hall.
There is a rush for the large tables and all my class end up round one of them.
I am left out and have to find a space at the table of another class.
That is the usual scenario.
This time I end up seated alongside a young guy from the year below me.
Then, oddly, the entire roomful of people follow me out of the dining hall and over to a derelict building.
I lead the way up a crumbling wooden staircase and along a dangerous corridor.
Sounds of distress behind me as various schoolchildren fall through the rotten floorboards.
Then in front of me, over a large gap, I see a red canoe.
I know this to be some sort of salvation for us all.
But how to reach it . . .

The School Train

I had my childhood train set laid out on the floor of a big barn.
It ran from a station uphill to the door at the top of the barn.
Powered by clockwork, it looked good and worked well.
As I was looking at it I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. It was a tiny child running to catch the train. More followed and boarded the train. All wore school uniform and had schoolbags.
Then, without me touching it, the train moved off and trundled along, up to its destination. I watched as the children disembarked and run out of the top barn door.
The train waited at the top station presumably for the schoolchildren when they came out of school.
The whole episode didn't seem that odd and I was pleased that the train set had some use.
Then the barn filled with wasps, not so pleasing.
Some balance law had asserted itself.

The German Shepherd

I was going to get a new dog.
It was an alsation, belonging to a German butcher in Perth. I believe there was a butcher's shop in my town, owned by a German (Kumerer?) in my childhood.
Of course they are now and probably originally called German Shepherds although I think the word 'German' was dropped after the war, but its now back again.
Anyway, the dog was brought to me by the German and it hid behind my back.
He told me it was an old dog but I was welcome to keep it.
The dog's face seemed remarkably intelligent and looked at me as if it had a lot of stories to tell.
I thanked him and gave the dog a crust.
Woof.

Terrapins and Eggs

I am looking after 3 terrapins.
It was Easter time and I had a large chocolate egg filled with foil covered mini eggs, around 50 of them.
I ate half of the big egg and decided to hide the remaining half together with all the mini eggs. Predators in the house you see.
But where?
Of course, float the half egg and contents in the terrapin tank.
Then I got hungry again.
Off to the tank to find the terrapins had scoffed the lot, 50 mini eggs, silver paper and all.
Only a fragment of the half egg floated forlornly.
A wreck.
Their owner would be furious, how could they survive eating all that armoured chocolate?
I got up and rushed through to the terrapins.
They were all alive and were still hungry.
No trace of the half egg either.

The Car Journey

Driving home in the rain, really heavy and getting dark.
The road was beginning to flood. Torrents were coming off the fields and surging across the road.
Eventually I safely arrived home and reversed into the driveway.
I sat listening to the rain drumming on the car roof. Soon I would go into the house and put the kettle on.
Then I found myself driving out onto the road again.
This is not what I wanted to do. Who was driving the car, me or it?
But, it had stopped raining.
Instead of rain the weather had decided to freeze solid.
The pools and torrents were frozen hard.
Tree branches, heavy with ice lay across the road, now an ice rink.
The car slithered and crunched its way along.
After several miles the car turned back.
But it had turned to snow. Impossible to see where we were going. We would never get home, the road seemed impassable.
But I awoke and the car had carefully deposited me in my nice warm bed.

Climate Change

Walking towards my old council house to visit son R.
As I approached the air grew colder. Then I saw the house.
It was covered in snow and ice. White ice, green ice and some pale blue ice.
I picked up two ice covered bricks from the driveway as a present for R (house warming?).
I knocked and R answered. He too was covered in white hoar frost.
Seemed happy enough though.
I peeked into the hallway which was also snow covered. Also some pale grey ice on the walls for variety.
Relationship not cooled as one may think.
Went home and discovered Woody the cockatiel had been left outside, on the pavement, in the rain.

Just a Dream

Disturbing dream night before last.
I was really ill and lying on floor on Ninewells Hospital, Dundee. I was going to get 'put down' later on the same day. Son C stood with his hand on my shoulder. A crowd had arrived to say goodbye. I only recognised two of them which was odd. But one of the men, that I did know, came up and held my hand. It was very moving. No women around, perhaps understandably.
Then I woke up and prowled around the house a while.
Then I fell asleep again and dreamt it was later on the same day, near to zero hour.
I was in my house, son C was again there and said he would try to be more like son R. Not sure about that.
C had also taken over my house, bits of engines, watches, cigarette lighters lay neatly around. He was puffing away at a pipe.
I said that it was nearly time for me to go.
C said he was really sorry and gave me a hug. I asked him to keep in touch. He said that he would love to but he didn't know how.
Exactly, and we left it at that.

First Day

First day at my new school last night. It was a new school too, brand new, made mostly of pricey hard wood, beautifully varnished.
We were getting the new boys tour.
I noticed however that it had been snowing inside the building, odd.
Even more peculiar was that the snow had been given a coat of matt white.
This made it even more slippy and ruined a lot of the woodwork.
Our tour leader paused to wonder at the mess, but we carried on and entered the staff room. Big mistake. A teacher raged out at us, jumping up and down on the painted snow.
For "****'s sake lighten up," an anonymous pupil retorted.
This of course didn't help.
A grand start to the term.

Memorable Flight

I was carrying out a peat survey of the Tay valley with a guy named Bill. Not much had been used in the area around Dundee, I wondered why.
I then asked Bill if he remembered how to fly. He replied by soaring up into the air, clutching his clipboard.
Remembering the correct mind set I, more slowly, flew up to join him.
We looked around at the Tay estuary far below. Incredible.
Gradually we descended and flew into a cave.
Alone now I peered around. I then saw two or three women in the shadows.
Suddenly I realised that all the things I had forgotten I could now remember.
I knew that all along but could not access the information.
Even more than I thought I already knew was accessible.
Like an internal Google.
But, of course, I now forget what I remembered.

Man's best friend

Its been quite a few months since Max died so decided to get a new dog.
It was black and large, of indeterminate type, but seemed to be able to change its shape into a black bear.
It was terrifying.
Never managed to put a lead on it and it was just free to roam the house and garden.
Every time it saw me, it snarled.
He didn't like me and I didn't like him.
In the end I decided to arm myself with a crowbar 24/7.
Nice doggy.

Paid to shop

I was in an old style shopping mall looking for a toy shop. When I found it, it was surrounded by a crowd, paid to shop and increase sales figures. I couldn't get near it. They were buying to music and seemed to be controlled by electricity. An electrically controlled crowd.
I found the panel with their power switches and switched them off.
I was then pursued around the shopping mall by two hit men paid to despatch me.
It's all about money.

Ice

I had lost my car and trailer.
The trailer was carrying blocks of ice. I was worried that they might melt.
Then I saw, in the distance, where it was parked. In a car park behind a glass screen.
I tried to find the entrance.
I walked round and round, no gates, no entrances, no way in.
Just occasional glass partitions and buildings.
I stood watching the ice melt.

The bullet, bus and bull.

Last night's dream was a bit of a mixture.
Discovered I had been shot by a small calibre bullet in my left pelvis. My white shirt was covered in blood and I asked my long dead mother for a clean one. But she hadn't done the washing.
My dead dad examined the casing of the shell that wounded me (how did he get it?).
It was much larger than I thought.
I then stood, in my dirty shirt, watching a small van facing up to a large bus.
The van playfully nudged the bus.
The now infuriated bus then charged the small van.
The van promptly changed into a bull which jumped through the windscreen of the bus, killing the driver.
Makes perfect sense.

Back Again

Loads of dreams to catch up on but will do with one from last night.
Was queueing up to get into my house with son C.
Oddly enough was no one else in queue and can't think why I should even bother.
Suddenly the sky darkened and an alien space ship hove into view.
A death ray or something lanced down from the sky and slowly cut up the pavement between C and myself.
"Pay no attention," I said.
True enough, away it went.

Interlude

Excitingly due to collapse of my computer system there will be a gap in the reporting of my dreams. Meanwhile the dreams continue . . . (boring or what?)

Usual Stuff

It was one of those dreams everyone gets from time to time (at least hope its not just me).
Going to new job. Might also have been a new place to live.
Find my way to my room. Decide to go to the toilet. Wander around looking for one. Can't find any and so return to my room only to find it has disappeared. Other people are in the room I thought was mine although the room number is different.
Look down at myself and find I am only partially clothed and have to report to my new job in 5 minutes.
Of course don't know where the job is or what I am meant to do.
Hold on, maybe it wasn't a dream after all.

Breakfast Routine

Living at my childhood house I came downstairs for breakfast. The door to the kitchen was blocked by the frame of my old bike which my dad had painted green. He had gone off to work. I moved the frame into the hall.
Next job was to put the kettle onto the gas stove. However dad had modified this and flames shot up to the ceiling. My mum had appeared from work looking for a cup of tea. Problem was that apart from the dangerous stove the kettle was leaking. I dashed off to the shops for a new kettle.
At the first shop the assistant, who knew me, wanted me to buy a photo album made of cloth. It was peculiar in that it was full of magnificent pictures of Ancient Greek statues and landscapes. Your own photos got superimposed onto different parts of these pictures. It looked great.
I resisted its purchase and found myself back at the house clutching a giant electric kettle. It was big enough to climb inside.
Another problem was that it was dirty. Not new, been used before.
Got to take it back for exchange. Where to was the first problem. Could not remember buying it. No receipts in my pocket, no clues.
So, summing up, breakfast time, wet painted bicycle frame in the hall, flaming to the ceiling stove, no magic photo album, giant dirty electric kettle and no cup of tea.

The Whipping Bridge

I was at the top of a high cliff and looking down on a river estuary.
A bridge was at the other side of the water coming from somewhere out to sea.
Where it made landfall was a large gap which slowly whipped closed as a car approached land. The cars then went through a short tunnel. Seemed as if the weight of the car helped some sort of whiplash effect. No cars travelled in the opposite direction. Unusual.
Standing in the water and observing the bridge were two giant men. Either they were giants or the bridge and the cars were tiny.
They saw me looking at them and one shouted up an obscenity.
Probably all best left alone.

Brown Spots

My back was covered by brown spots. I brushed them off but they just kept reappearing.
Thought I would shower them off which also worked but back they came.
Leaving them seemed the best, if unsightly, option.
Some weird disease perhaps.

Cold Comfort

I had got myself a job with the British Antarctic Survey.
My first impression was one of total desolation. Endless snow and ice with grey windswept rocks dotted around the landscape.
I went into the only building I could see. A large ice covered shed. Inside were loads of people milling around looking for bunks. I found myself a narrow shelf complete with a thin grey blanket.
Next thing was finding the toilet. Off I went and spied a queue. Must be for the toilet.
In fact two queues, for the only toilets serving around 300 people.
I waited and waited.
Not even sure what my job was with the company.
Life in the deep, frozen South sure was hard.

The Red Tomato

A grey world, grey sky, grey land, grey trees.
Some movement caught my eye.
Looking to my left I could see the Editor gazing up at a huge red tomato hanging about 30 feet up a tree. The only patch of colour visible.
I asked about the tomato and the Editor said that he wanted it for his packed lunch.
I recommended a long pole but no, the Editor had other ideas.
He jumped up and down waving his arms.
I thought that was a hopeless way to obtain the tomato but as he jumped up and down, some sort of vortex was created and the tomato fell with a splat onto the grey ground.
However enough was salvageable for a packed lunch.
Result.

An Unlikely Story

I was standing on a sea cliff gazing out at the ocean. A rumble of hoof beats made me turn round. Approaching me and the cliff at full gallop was an army of Japanese horsemen carrying spears and white flags.
I ran along the cliff and down some slopes onto the beach. I moved along until I was underneath the massive cliff and gazed upwards. No falling Japanese horsemen were visible just white clouds sailing out to sea.
So, I busied myself tightening up guy ropes that held the cliff up.
Then I moved off to where a queue had formed to see an old grey haired woman lying on a bed at the top of the beach. She was giving each person a few wise words before they moved away.
As my turn came I tripped over her bed clothes and fell flat.
No wise words for me.

Four Joes

It was dusk and I was in the town of Kinross. I wanted to get to Perth and so I decided to jog overland. This I did in the gathering darkness, 12 miles in an hour, not bad going.
In the High Street I was looking for a joiner by the name of Joe Brown. I found him looking like a cross between the singer and the rock climber.
I talked to him about a window that I had repaired at the request of Joe the artist.
I took him to view my repair down a richly tiled High Street close at a Therapy Centre.
We were offered a cup of tea then I took him to the room with the window repair.
Oddly the room now had no windows.
Perhaps my repair had gone too far.

The Reservoir

I was out for a walk last night. Went past a high level loch.
The surface was stirring restlessly, not by wind but inner turbulence.
I knew that this was where we got our water and air from.
Somehow that made sense.
In fact I shouted it out loud and woke myself up.

A Thick Neck

I looked in the mirror and saw that my neck had thickened up considerably. Sort of Cardassian thickness if you know what I mean.
Also a row of ridges was growing down the front of my forehead, Klingon style.
I seemed to be morphing into a Next Generation baddie.
All needed was to be part of The Collective with a smattering of Ferengi.
What went wrong.

Global Warming

Heavy rain last night, flooding all around. I got son C to dig a drainage ditch to release water from my driveway during the night.
In the morning I looked out and was astonished to see a tunnel dug from near the driveway towards my garden pond. Some animal had enlarged C's ditch.
Then saw who was responsible.
Out of the tunnel ambled a wolf, two foxes and a badger. A veritable wildlife park.
I shouted sons C and R to the window.
I took photos of the vistors.
We went out and peered into the tunnel.
They had stockpiled dog food as if for a seige.
Then saw that my little pond had grown.
It was now part of the North Sea and sported a fine beach.
As if to underline the quality of the sands, day trippers arrived down my driveway with surfboards, picnic tables, the lot.
Life had changed since that shower of rain.

Parsimony Fields

I was at the side of a black field. In fact I think all the ground was black as far as the eye could see.
But things were not as drab as you may think. Everywhere there were patches of gold light shining through.
So either I was living on the sun with a top coat of black or someone had fitted the entire ground with glow lights after painting the earth black.
Or I was dreaming.
I wonder what Occam's Razor would prefer?

Storm Talks

I was going to a beach to meet Kex as, "We need to have a talk."
For some reason I brought a wooden ladder that my Dad had made. Son R was meant to be there as well but declined at the last moment and stayed at home with his pal.
K climbed up some steps into a beach hut on stilts. I stayed at ground level examining a dried up stream bed that obviously carried an immense amount of water in times of storm.
It was scary looking.
No talking yet, I remained at sea level clutching a wooden ladder and K sat up in the air in her beach hut.
Stalemate.

The Grim Van

Heard the chimes of an ice cream van last night. Rushed out to get myself a '99'.
Bit eerie though. The road outside was different, no other houses, a dim avenue of trees. The van seemed unnaturally lurid, sort of glowing grimly in the twilight.
A handsome bearded man and an attractive woman had already bought ice creams and were standing nearby eating them. Neighbours I didn't know.
The ice cream man greeted me like a long lost friend, said he had been waiting for me.
I thought of just getting myself a 99, but then thought my dad and my son and his pal might also like them.
So I ordered ice cream for all, remembering that my dad used to say, "I could go an ice cream".
Then I remembered he had been dead around 8 years.
One ice cream spare.

Floppy Disc

Lately I have been building a curved bench that faces my bonfire pit. Sort of place that I imagine sitting with a glass of wine watching the sunset.
Some of the construction involved long bolts, which still need trimming.
As I binned my angle grinder a few weeks ago, they still stand proud.
However my dream allowed me still to have my angle grinder again which I switched on. It hummed away quite normally.
Going to cut the bolts however resulted in a soft flapping sound.
The angle grinder, particularly the disc, had turned to rubber.
I threw it away in disgust remembering that I had already thrown it away.
Sort of a floppy ghost had taken its place.
Impotence.
Not in the usual department however, but probably elsewhere.

River Trip

Dream control improving slightly.
Last night son C and I were on a small boat travelling down the river Tay towards the North Sea.
The river was a lot narrower than real life and swifter flowing.
Our boat was not quite right for that type of water. Too deep a draft and rather long etc.
So a bit of mental adjustment soon altered the boat's proportions and added a smaller engine.
Off we drifted happily towards the sea, St Andrews and an ice cream.

New World

The world had been taken over by university graduates. Everyone else had been killed, except me. Unlikely.
I hid under some stairs, was spotted by three Oxbridge types, they mulled over how best to kill me, so I stabbed all three.
I headed for a nearby housing estate, looking for other survivors.
Something odd about the pavements.
They glowed a dull red and moved like slow escalators.
One street that I was never very fond of, narrowed until it was virtually impassable.
The Uni Team were making changes, fast.

The Watering

The hippies had taken over a giant, multi story car park. They had planted flowers/vegetables etc almost everywhere in the tons of earth they had imported from somewhere. Bit overpowering.
Shelters had been built for people to live in.
I lived there.
I saw K, who I had stuff to sort out with, also living there.
I asked if she wanted to go for a walk among the levels to chat. No reply.
Instead I got a large watering can and went a walk by myself, doing watering en route.
I watered a large, dry looking central plant.
Satisfying, it seemed to appreciate the water.
I carried on, watering as I walked.
A hard core hippy approached me,
"What are you doing? Are you looking for 'The Ministry'?"
I said that I was just out for a walk.
She carried on and then screamed,
"He has watered Plant Central !"
I looked and saw that the large dry central plant that I had just watered was wriggling and growing into massive proportions.
Sort of a Triffid creature.
Excellent.
An evacuation was in progress.

Warp Power Motorcycle

Just got delivery of a brand new, ultra low power motorcycle.
Set off on my first road trial of the machine. Headed towards Glasgow.
Flat out I could achieve 40mph but that was its total limit. Not very fast.
However if I lowered my head it seemed a bit faster, perhaps it was, streamlining etc.
Tried lowering my head and shoulders a bit more, seemed loads faster, perhaps 60mph.
Lower still, somewhere around my knees, easily 80mph.
However I was pretty sure I was still humming along at 40mph.
Lower still, head near the road, probably hitting the ton, hard to see where I am going.
Reached Broxden roundabout, dual carriageway all the way to Glasgow, nearly a 2 hour journey at 40mph.
Head down onto the tarmac, how do I do it? Seemed like 200mph.
Eyes less than a millimetre above the road, now 500mph easily.
Approaching the molecular level of the tarmac, unbelievable speeds now being reached, measured in the thousands of mph.
Lower still and even lower.
Jump to light speed, zoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom . . . .
Got to watch the bends near the Dunning turn off.
Its all in the mind, or is it?

Schrodinger's Dog

Son C and I were on the living room carpet playing with quantum particles. A whole section of the floor seemed to be in a quantum flux. Bits of carpet were duplicated, appeared and disappeared constantly. Great fun.
Then two men came in the back door, unannounced. One very tall and the other very short.
They had been sent by my local vet on behalf of our deceased dog Max. They were returning old toys, collars, baskets etc of his.
The taller one said to the shorter,
"Guess what these two were doing on the carpet when I came in? F****** quantum stuff !"
Knowing looks were passed between them and then the taller found some chocolate lollipops on top of a cupboard that Max had hid there.
He put them in the fridge (I think) with orders that we were not to eat them and left.
Were they there or not?
Job done.
C and I returned to the world of photons and bosons.

Shots from the Past

I was being chased across mudflats and ran to the shore into a large building. Not sure up till then who was chasing me but spotted V carrying a rifle along one of the corridors. Not seen her for some time.
I quickly got changed into dry clothes before making a break for it out of the building into the town.
A few shots overhead reminded me that I was not out of the woods yet.
Would I never get away?

Constant Supervision Required

I was sitting in my car on some waste ground outside a school. Two workmen were nearby doing something messy.
I was being watched by the school janitor from a little shed.
My reason for being there was that I had some work to do but I was trying to remember what it was. Memory problems.
I looked around and saw 4 bottles of red wine lying alongside 4 original paintings by some old master.
These had been there for some time as I remembered and had been discarded by a friend of mine.
Why had he or someone else not picked them up?
Somehow it was a test.
Should I just take them?
But, I was being watched.
Perhaps I could come back under cover of darkness? They might be gone.
Then I remembered, I had come to pick them up.
Sigh . .

MHC (or less)

Whilst waiting in an airport departure lounge I was approached by a tall, seductive woman who I seemed to recognise. In fact it was S from my old school. She sat on my knee and whispered that she wanted a baby. I was taken aback and flattered in equal measures.
We boarded the same plane, bound for Glasgow. The flight time was around an hour, in which space she intended to conceive, carry and give birth to the child. Her parents were expecting her to arrive with a baby. Whilst stage one may have been possible, I was doubtful of the rest of the programme.
"Perhaps borrow a child?" I ventured.
As she started to undress the aeroplane descended rapidly to sea level and commenced gliding up the river Clyde towards Glasgow. As it was a 747 this was difficult. We banked wildly from side to side, missing bridges, barges and the water by a matter of inches.
This flight path made it difficult to concentrate on the seduction of S, or perhaps the other way around.
We had not even managed stage one by the time Glasgow tower was in sight.
Not a relaxing flight.

Roadside Head

Walking down a road without any landmarks. Then, in the distance a shape appeared to the right. Getting closer I saw that it was a giant, roadside head around twenty feet high.
When I got up to it, I saw that it was covered in weird jewellery. Not just earrings etc but all sorts of stuff, fantastic colours and shapes.
The unsettling part was that the head was alive and looking at me.
A prompt wake up was called for, pity really, might have had a good chat.

A Cool Smoke

I was in a group of mostly lesbian women.
A newcomer arrived, it was a Mrs Mel Gibson. Yes, she was the wife, or rather a female version, of the celebrated film star. She had all his facial characteristics albeit in a female form, most odd.
Anyway she was welcomed with open arms by the lesbian throng, as she presumably gave off some subtle signals that she was that way inclined.
To celebrate they started rolling cigarettes for each other.
Cigarettes with a difference, instead of tobacco, they contained ice cream.
The ultimate in cool smoking.

Visit to the Doctor

I was visiting a doctor's staff room, looking for some pain killers.
It was a staff room with a difference, all my old doctors were there, alive and dead.
I noticed that they were also 'manufacturing' tablets. They would put the raw ingredients into their mouths, roll the stuff around a bit and then spit out around 200 tablets. Dried off and then bottled.
Always wondered how it was done.
Another distraction was the office cleaner.
She was an attractive woman in a tight red floral dress and was lying on a table, squirming around to get the dirt off. She would then carry on this procedure round the other desks etc.
I want one.
Back to the job in hand however. I was handed some drugs, crammed them into my mouth, followed the procedure and out popped the pain killers.
All too easy.
Could be a tad risky though, no doubt the cleaner sometimes had her hands full.

Lucid Handlebar Repair

Yet another cycle run, must be telling me something.
This time a real alpha male was determined to take several of us out on the bikes.
We were each handed a machine that appeared around 100 years old.
Our complaints were ignored and he stormed off on a penny farthing out the road towards Crieff. I myself was armed with a rickety 3 wheeler and went to nose into a line of traffic, determined to catch up with our annoying leader.
Hold on I thought, traffic a bit odd.
In fact the cars and lorries were all pedal driven.
Excellent I thought, must be the end of the world's oil.
This oddity made me realise it must be a dream.
I therefore magically cured an annoying twist in my handlebars and set off at speed, overtaking pedal cars with gusto.
We all congregated at a roadside cafe and demanded lunch from the now not so alpha leader.

ps Was woken up from this dream by a violent knocking at the door. I went out to check, nobody around.
Must have been an earthquake.

Recipe Corner

Another visit from the Dream Controller.
I had wanted more and different lucid dreaming (see Dream Junkie).
The Controller checked my files, found my last two instances of lucid dreaming, put them on a baking tray and heated them for 30 minutes at 220 degrees C.
I was then handed the resulting blackened mess, served with an excellent salad.
I swung between total appreciation and extreme resentment.
Need to frame my requests more accurately perhaps.

Going Too Far

Thought I would play a practical joke on daughter P in Australia.
I decided to call her on my mobile phone from the UK but allegedly from a plane in mid Atlantic.
I knew she would not be keen on such an unannounced visit.
Accordingly I set my little plan in motion.To authenticate it I decided to drive through to the airport to get flight times, numbers etc.
I must have got carried away and bought a ticket as I found myself over mid Atlantic with no luggage.
Served me right, and spoiled the joke.

Did I Help You?

Last night I was aware of a sort of 'Dream Controller' or something, probably female.
She told me that I was to have no dreams about myself but that I was only to help others in their dreaming.
Accordingly she issued me with a sheet of red triangular flags with which to work through, each one representing a dreaming person. Although, when stuck on to the dream after use, they seemed to turn into red crosses.
I worked through the whole sheet, not unlike a sheet of stamps, and woke up remembering nothing more.
Other peoples dreams seem to be quite private.
Aaah well.

The Damp Machine

Went to visit a group of hippies camped at the edge of a forest.
They were showing me all their 'green' bits of equipment.
One was a artifact that kept things continually damp.
Not a great problem I thought as we squelched into the forest in a typical West Yorkshire downpour.
It turned out to be an upside down, pyramidal shaped, piece of foam around 6 feet in diameter. This was buried with its base flush with the forest floor.
Items requiring to be kept damp were secreted around its sides etc.
It was also camouflaged.
I had only been shown this as something important belonging to son C's mother was buried there.
It turned out to be a £20 note which C claimed as his own.
The note was falling to pieces and of doubtful value.
So, we dried it out and pasted it into a scrap book of other now useless items which had seemed important at the time.
A little record of our life.

Nocturnal Visit

Fell asleep at 11pm last night.
Thought I woke up to hear voices in my back garden.
I looked out to see two women at my back door, they looked furious.
With trepidation I opened the door and they pushed their way inside.
I followed them through to the living room where they stared at me for what seemed like ages.
A third person moved around in the background.
I asked what they wanted but got no answer.
The atmosphere was really scary.
I turned away and immediately woke up.
The time was 1105pm.

Boats

I had a wee job to do.
It was to go around my local area finding boats with a certain 'signature'.
The signature was quite a subtle thing. It was obtained when a boat, large or small, looked right, had been used well and was well put together.
Once I found them, I could check that my intuition was right using a natty little electronic gizmo. How it worked I have no idea. Maybe it didn't.
I found two candidates and took sketches and photos of them back to the 'control room'.
I was then to make a drawing or painting of them and submit my work for 'approval'.
A real job at last.

The Fall

I was at a flat in Edinburgh.
Fancied a cup of Earl Grey.
However had trouble finding any. But, saw some on a high shelf which required a fair bit of climbing to reach.
Other items were in the tea box including chocolate, vanilla pods and the like.
Made a bit of a mess getting hold of the tea bags.
I needed more than one as two women asked for some, prior to taking me to a party elsewhere in the city.
So, I needed to impress as I descended with the tea bags, clutched in my sweaty hand.
One more tricky move required and then I found myself . . . slipping . . . slipping . . .
I had been doing so well.

Race to the North

Another cycle race.
This time it was from Halifax in Yorkshire up to Scotland.
I therefore stripped my bike of all extras including pannier bags, mudguards etc.
Then I looked at my white legs in the rather skimpy cycling shorts that I was wearing.
Need track suit bottoms, I thought.
However the race was about to start.
Still, need the track suit bottoms.
So, cycled 10 miles south to a track suit bottom shop.
Have to make up the time later.
As good a decision as I usually make.

Atrocity

I was living at a house at the bottom of a hill that looked like Cockburn Street in Edinburgh.
I looked up to the top of the street and saw four young men had been executed by hanging from lamp posts. I was appalled as I had just called at that house on a door to door collection and I had met them along with their Italian mother.
All made worse in that it was the police or army that had commited the atrocity.
It's no safe these days.

Entry Requirements

Last night I joined the Royal Navy.
Excellent I thought, making something of my life at last.
Entry requirement was to fit through a tunnel, hexagenol in cross section.
As I was not of that shape I thought I might have difficulty.
It was a scary looking procedure and the fear was one of getting permanently stuck if it all went wrong.
I went for it however and duly found that as I pressed through, the navy blue coloured sides seem to accomodate my shape.
That was a relief and I accordingly found myself in the Royal Navy.
Rule Brittania.

Candles in the Evening

I walked into my house via the back door in the early evening.
I was struck by the fact that candles were burning.
In the back porch, kitchen, living room, front hall, bathroom and in the bedrooms.
They were all nightlights in different coloured holders.
Seemed like hundreds of them.
It was really beautiful.
I wondered who had lit them. I'm pretty sure it was my son, C, as he was the only other person in the house, although nowhere to be seen.
Then an irrational fear took over from the wonder of it all.
I didn't want them to go out.
But, of course, they must go out at some point, probably all at round about the same time.
Things and people, dogs etc don't last forever.
Even me.

Wishful Thinking

I went into my old council house around teatime.

I was pleasantly surprised by the presence of my mum and dad, who I thought to be dead.

Tea was ready and waiting.

Another surprise was my dog Max, who I thought currently to be lying on his rug at death's door.

He came towards me wagging his tail, having eaten the bacon I had cooked for him earlier and drunk some of his water.

Alas I woke up, mum and dad still dead and Max still lying on his rug. Bacon and water untouched.

Max was to die later that day on his final visit to the vet.

Eighteen years old and now at the bottom of my garden. Woof.

Doughnut Damming

I was on the banks of a swift flowing and crystal clear stream. It was quite deep and had a rounded gravelly bed.
I knew I had to dam the stream, although can't remember why.
After kneeling down to assess the problem I went off and returned with a giant doughnut(donut?).
I jammed the doughnut vertically on the rounded stream bed.
It worked a treat until the water level rose up to the doughnut hole and, of course, poured through.
Some things it seems, doughnuts cannot do.

A School Project

Back in the Classroom.
It seemed to be a week before the summer holidays.
We were building small model boats that carried a cargo of salmon between Canada and the UK.
However the boats were only metaphors for an essay we were meant to be doing during the final week.
On the Wednesday I jumped off a school balcony and injured my ankle.
I was therefore off school the Thursday and Friday so I could not complete my model boat/essay.
On the Thursday an old friend called and gave me a wee trip out in her Mk2 red Ford Escort.
She drove me 5 miles along a narrow country road, past my school, and then let me off to hitch back.
All perfectly normal it seemed and I thanked her.
It was a long walk back on my sore ankle and I thought of calling in at the school to finish my project.
But I went home to be met by the school master and some fellow pupils.
They had all finished their boat/essays and buried them under a round steel and glass door in the middle of the classroom. They had used trout instead of salmon for the cargo. I thought I might use dog food.
I said I would hurry and finish mine if they would not mind digging up theirs so mine could join them.
They refused.
Too late again I thought, missed the boat.
I gave the master a slap on the back as they left by way of thanks for calling along to make sure I knew that I had failed.

Double Murder

I was in a gents outfitters getting measured up for a new suit.
The material was a violently bright beige check, although the pattern was quite small.
Harris Tweed, of course.
The jacket seemed to be around XXXL but fitted nicely.
I turned around and two men, one in a red suit were sniggering at me.
I therefore found a steel bar and murdered them both.
Very violent and gory.
Then I hit the High Street with my Harris Tweed suit, complete now with red spots.

Follow The Red Plastic Path

Another dream of Ben Nevis, must look at the reasons sometime.
This time a group of us approached from sea level. After a short distance I decided to leave the party, who were intent on climbing Tower Ridge.
The slope unnerved me as it went straight from sea level to the summit in one huge sweep.
I decided to take the path which circumvented the mountain just above a beach.
The path was made of shiny red plastic with a little plastic fence on the seaward side.
It was great fun, went on for miles, past a beautiful stretch of sand, a wild rocky area, a red light district and finally as it returned to the starting point, along the edge of a deep ravine.
I then sat on the red plastic path waiting for the Ridge party to return.

Tidying Up

Another mountaineering trip. Don't remember getting further than the hotel though.
It had been a large weekend group, all staying in a massive hotel room.
Almost everyone left on the Sunday leaving me to tidy up the room.
Apart from the usual socks and poly bags left behind there was two burnt out vehicles.
One was a double decker bus and the other a much smaller vehicle.
The bus was still on fire and I noticed two unharmed children on the top deck, flames all around them.
I turned a nearby hosepipe into their vicinity, ensuring their safety.
The older child threw the baby down to me and then jumped down onto the floor.
I then unplugged the bus from the mains, maybe that had been the problem.
I wondered why the parents had left the children behind.
The baby and his parents were known to me, must have a word with them later.
I then carried on with the tidying up.

Seated in the Basin

I must have dropped off to sleep. When I awoke I wondered where I was, not in my bed obviously.
I looked around, all rocks and a breathtaking drop at my feet.
I was wearing my old tweed jacket, some dark trousers and my flat cap.
Rather uncomfortable though, I was sat on some rough and damp rocks.
Then I realised exactly where I was, ie perched in the 'Basin' of the Orion face on Ben Nevis.
Somewhere I had, unfortunately, never visited in my waking life.
Some roped climbers arrived, doing the Long Climb, and told each other there was some old guy sat on his own and wondered how the f*** had he got there.
Characteristically, I was no wiser myself.
I woke up before finding out how the problem was solved.
Perhaps I disappeared in front of their eyes.

Reality of Paintball

We were queuing for a sort of paintball gun experience. I say 'sort of 'as it wasn't paint that the guns fired but real bullets.
I therefore took my time over the purchase of tickets, finding a locker, looking at the rules and getting kitted up.
It all seemed very complicated and the staff were none too helpful.
Then chaos began to break out and I wondered what was happening.
Then I realised that these events reflected what I was thinking.
Something like having a slow thought process, reluctant to face the truth, not actually being very clear as to what was happening then mind all over the place.
Not necessarily in that order.
Time to wake up.

Ambulance Journey

I was being taken to hospital in an ambulance to get an operation to my back. It seemed to involve getting something either removed or added to the small of my back. I was a bit worried.
However the ambulance driver said that she had undergone the same operation and it was no problem.
In fact she offered to show her scar as we were driving along.
Before I could answer she had stripped off completely, as she was driving, to the consternation of both myself and her co driver.
She then pointed out her scars at the base of her spine.
At that point we unsurprisingly crashed.
The co driver was thrown out of the vehicle but we seemed otherwise undamaged.
However we were off the road in a busy shopping centre and had to retrieve our co driver.
Our naked heroine was up for the situation and leapt out of the ambulance, put her colleague on a stretcher, and with my help, unceremoniously threw him into the back of the vehicle.
Crowds stood around agape.
We drove off at speed.
Not heard the end of this I thought.

Threatening Rain

I was on my way North by train to interview a possible new candidate for our Men's Group.
As I alighted at the station I looked up at the sky and was astonished to see millions of arrows frozen in mid descent from a cloudless sky.
Hoping they might remain in a state of suspended animation I cautiously walked away from the station.
I turned over in my mind the symbolism but, typically, I was no wiser.

The Final Corner

More snow last night. Deep snow and then a good solid freeze.
I had made a New Year Resolution. More exercise.
Accordingly I made my way to Ben Nevis to climb the last great problem, the 'Final Corner'.
There was a group of other climbers at its foot assessing the possibilities.
I pushed past them all and started a solo ice climb.
It seemed easy enough, bridging up the vertical corner.
Nearly there I thought, piece of cake.
Then a rapid word association in my brain, cake, eating too much sugar, Christmas just gone, no exercise yet, unfit, overweight, should not be here ie 50 metres above the ground.
So, I fell, down, down, down into my duvet and my final corner.
Will start the more exercise regime tomorrow.

Toilet Break

Woke up during the night to go to the loo. Went into the hall en route and was confronted by a person I knew to be dead.
I almost died with fright.
Then there were others, all around.
I ran into my kitchen and looked under the sink.
I pulled out a spray can. Can't remember if it was furniture polish, wasp killer or even deodorant.
Anyway I rushed back into the hall and started spraying the 'ghosts', if that was what they were.
They partially disappeared but that was even more scary, just bits of heads etc.
Decided it was time to wake up.
It was a while before I plucked up courage to go to the loo.